Time for Rebirth

I've been in a long quiet space, unable to communicate in my usual ways. Usually I'd be writing about sacred partnership or romantic love this month, But things haven't been usual in any way. Lots has been happening and now realize I'm in a rebirthing process.

I know I'm not alone in this. We are all deeply challenged by the times we're living in—whether facing the fear and ego playing out on the world stage, or our own inner reckonings. There's a powerful call to reset ourselves, to live in a new way. The old patterns have to fall away.

For me, the past six months has felt like an accelerated wake-up call. While I'd been making progress in some areas, apparently certain patterns needed more intervention. My guides called it "being put in the thrasher." Ouch.

I'd been healing immune issues for a couple of years when I fell down the stairs—then fell again the same way shortly after, re-injuring myself. My tailbone and back were slow to heal. In the fall, I took a retreat to the Pyrenees and immediately came down with an illness where I could barely think or speak. It forced me into stillness, into deeper attunement with my body and slower communication.

When I returned, I consciously stepped back to rest. Then my youngest daughter experienced a life-threatening illness that became our family's entire focus through the end-of-year holidays. After neurosurgery, two weeks in the hospital, and countless medical challenges, having her home felt like a second chance. I felt spiritually supported during this time, yet my body held sciatic pain that left me unable to walk without pain for weeks.

I share this because what I've been learning has deeply affected my life in positive ways. Small shifts I couldn't quite embody before, even when I understood them mentally.

A primary learning has been that embodied love comes only from deep integration. And integration doesn't come from processing or practices alone. It comes from having the S P A C E for things to settle, be felt, and shift into place. It can't be rushed to completion. It defies the natural process of growth.

I've been learning to return to myself by stepping away—just being, without any outside input at all. Sometimes this looks like just staring at the wall. I need to do it fairly frequently throughout the day—sometimes just ten minutes, other times longer. When I have too much going on, I lose connection to my essence. I stop breathing comfortably, lose touch with what my body needs, and fall out of flow.

I'm understanding more and more how to be devoted to myself—so that I can bloom into my full, loving expression. Not to arrive anywhere, but because it's the only way I can stay in touch with love. I'd subtly internalized it backwards by trying to get healthy so I could live my purpose. But that was upside down. Putting loving myself first—no matter what that requires, whether or not I ever "arrive" at some longed-for destination—has meant surrendering the outcome. When this happened I went into a long, empty space where no guidance was coming in. I felt no inspiration, no anything it seemed. it was pretty uncomfortable. I dropped all my dreams for a while, and I wasn't sure if I would pick them back up.

The slowness and inner quiet showed me how much I overcomplicate things. Lack of trust is a big factor. As I got better at slowing down and not overthinking, my body directly benefited. My low blood sugar began normalizing. These changes are allowing me to be far more present. I don't spend every break between activities thinking about what's next or planning ahead. I can just be in my body and relax. What a relief it is to remember to trust.

Resistance has showed up as I began to trust more, though some parts held on out of fear of change. This is what I sense my sciatic pain was expressing. My initial reaction was to argue with it, resist it in return. Then I saw how unloving I was being to myself. Shifting to acceptance, I am experiencing physical healing. While there's still a voice of anxiety inside, I feel greater integration and less fear as I stop trying to fix it.

Last but not least I keep coming back to how my own vibration matters most. We each have different paths to self-mastery, but these experiences have gotten me to focus on maintaining my vibration, no matter what's happening outside. I practice pausing in order to invite my divine essence to fill my body, to take over from the mind and show me how to return to harmony with myself—to love.

I'm still learning, still practicing. But I'm also feeling the shifts—in my body, in my energy, in how I move through my days. The rebirthing isn't finished, but I'm beginning to trust the process.

If any of this resonates with you, I'd love to hear about your own journey.

What patterns are falling away for you?

What are you learning to trust?

What is love asking of you?